A Little Cruise Humor
A savvy seafarer with hundreds of voyages under my nautical belt, I’ve learned a few things about cruising and selecting the right vessel. First of all it’s good to pick a ship that can stay afloat. It’s no fun flailing around in the open sea worrying about being eaten by sharks. Or for that matter stuck in a lifeboat with a bunch of people you hardly know and wouldn’t really want to be with it you did.
Therefore a skilled navigator is very important. You want someone who can steer the ship through the water without incident—avoiding mountains, ice bergs, sand bars and other seagoing vessels at all costs.
There also must be an authoritative-looking captain who is drop-dead handsome, barely speaks English and always appears to be walking around the deck lost in deep converstion with a crew member, making you wonder who’s watching the bridge. Ditto for the ship’s doctor who when you see him makes you work harder at staying healthy.
The ideal cruise ship always sports an amiable cruise director with an ear-to-ear grin plastered on his or her face, who gushes non-stop over every nautical mile the ship sails, like they’re relieve it made it that far.
The perfect vessel is well-stocked with life boats. Which, in non-emergencies are used as launches to tote passengers ashore during those times when the ship must drop anchor outside the port. Because: 1. Nobody paid the port fees; 2. The navigatorhasn’t got a clue how to fit the big boat in the tiny slot allotted at the pier; or 3. Why bother. Anyhow these boats are invariably driven by crew members who think they’re competing in the Indy 500.
As a rule, a cruise always begins with at least two choppy nights at sea. Sometimes the ocean is so rough everything in your cabin crashes to the floor providing you with an opportunity to reacquaint yourself with al the unnecessary stuff you’ve lugged on board. Which sometimes includes your mate.
This phenomenon seems to occur with regularity during the captain’s welcome on board or farewell galas. Probably to give the commandant an opening to utter quips like, “As you know we also refer to a ship as a her or she, and well a woman’s breasts sometimes heave.” Or something like that which makes queasy passengers feel like upchucking the mystery hors d’oeuvres they’ve just scoffed down. But the nearest restroom is invariably located as far away as possible.
Speaking of captains’ fetes, on the ideal ship, the captain greets passengers gathered for their watered-down Manhattan (or at least I think that’s what the dark stuff with the cherry is), with the utmost sincerity when he says that they are the best bunch ever to sail with him on the SS Bullship. While it's true food flows freely aboard most cruise ships, this doesn't mean passengers are obligated to consume massive amounts of extra calories. However unfortunately many seafarers waddle down the gangplank on the day of departure wearing a size larger than when they began the voyage. Mostly because fork lifting took precedence over weight lifting or exercise. Hey it will come off when you get home and back into a routine. Andtrying new food and having seconds, thirds, fourths or even fifths on dessert is half the fun. Right?
Things to know before you board. & while you're there: NO drinks aren't fee. With the exception of all-inclusive cruise lines such as Seabourn and Silversea where wine, booze and soft drinks are proffered at no extra cost, water, soda, booze and wine will cost you and often big time, however Crystal Cruises does not charge for soda or water, but does for wine and liquor. Some companies won't even let you take your own libations aboard, bummer. So if you're on a budget watch those drinks, even sodas can pad the bill. Also keep alert for other hidden costs, like sometimes ice cream sundaes served on deck aren't free. The Internet will often add extra to your tab as will any ship to shore phone calls which can actually be exorbitant. Best bet is to use your cell phone in port but check with your provider to make sure you want be charged for "roaming". I made a cell call from Mexico that cost me well over $100 for a couple of minutes.
Disembarkation day blues. The worst part of a cruise is the last morning when all Hell breaks lose as passengers frantically attempt to jump ship to catch planes, trains and rides to where ever they are moving onto. Long lines, lots of waiting, sometimes chaos prevails. Just so you know. Some lines have attempted to ease the pain, but it's rarely pleasant. One tip is if you can disembark a day or two earlier and avoid the pain. We've done this on long voyages and were able to stay in our stateroom or suite all day until the time to head to the airport. It really turns that frown upside down.
Packing: Most of us stuff way to much in our luggage. Plan your day time wardrobe much as you would at home. You probably don't change clothes every day and believe me you'll settle into a couple of outfits and wear them the entire cruise. Of course evening wear will require a little more thought. Be creative, mix different tops with the same bottoms, put a shawl over a dress to change itsappearance. Pack light especially if you flying to and fro.
Any more questions? Leave a comment or email me at ppietschma@aol.com and I'll try to help.
Now get out and book a cruise. It's still cheaper than a land vacation and offers the opportunity to see more of the world with less hassle. And you really only need to pack and unpack twice.
News from Holland American: new Shore Excursion e-Brochure online system allows pax to view and print shore excursion information for booked cruises. You'll find up-to-the minute, personalized information specific to your itinerary 24/7..
"We strive to personalize each guest’s experience and to endeavor to make their interaction with us as easy and enriching aspossible,” said Richard D. Meadows, CTC, executive vice president, marketing, sales and guest programs. “By giving our guests the flexibility of printing an e-brochure with their shore excursion options that is tailored specifically to their cruise itinerary, we are able to present the exact information they need—when they need it. Additionally, more and more of our guests applaud our online efforts from an environmental standpoint.”
How it works. Pax log on to: (www.hollandamerica.com), input booking number and last name, click on the “View Your Personalized Shore Excursion Brochure” link and a personalized e-brochure will immediately download. The Shore Excursion e-Brochure will present the guest’s name and all available shore excursions for the guest’s booked cruise. Guests have the option of continuing their shore excursion viewing online, printing their personalized Shore Excursion e-Brochure for review at a later date or booking their tours immediately. Additionally, guests may review their personalized Shore Excursion e-Brochure from six months to a year before their cruise departure date rather than waiting for a hard-copy version that accompanies guests’ cruise documents 30 – 60 days from their cruise departure date. In the five weeks since the Shore Excursion e-Brochure online system has gone live, 20,470 guests have downloaded an e-brochure.“ For more information on cruises and shore excursion. Info: 1-877-724-5425 or visit www.hollandamerica.com.
Passengers of Princess Cruises and Silversea Cruises can also book shore excursions on line at both line's web sites www.princess.com; www.silversea.com.
I squealed with glee as the steward let us into our Grand suite—a 1,434 square foot concert of marble and mahogany mini mansion—which would be our floating home onboard Silversea Cruises’ Silver Whisper for 33 glorious days on a voyage from Los Angeles to Sydney. I’d been in shipboard suites before, but this went outside the box. The bedroom was huge with an exquisite vanity and a king size bed covered in fine linen with Piumi Salpi down pillows and comforters. I couldn’t get over all the storage space, and the walk-in closet large enough for two steamer trunks and more. The Italian marble bathroom dazzled with a Jacuzzi tub, twin sinks, and separate shower. Lavish soaps, shampoos, conditioners and toiletries lined the glass shelves. Thick Frette terry robes hang on the door.
The living room was so inviting we eased into a nightly routine sprawled out on the comfy sofa or recliner room watching movies on the Flat screen plasma television, or listening to CDs playing on the Bang & Olufsen or Nakamichi entertainment center. While we love the dining venues on the ship, the suite proved so comfortable that we opted to for room service about half the nights of the cruise. The waiters set our mahogany dining table elegantly with candles, Christofle silverware and Bernardeau Limoges china. We dined on truffles from Rome, foie gras from France, Italian-style pasta, filet mignon, and luscious desserts like Viennese tortes.
A beautiful wood bar, stocked with Schott-Zwiesel crystal, and complimentary beverages (Philipponnat Royale Reserve champagne, wines, liquor and soft drinks) proved perfect for entertaining new friends we made during the voyage. Our steward always ensured sure we had plenty of hors d’oeuvres for our soirees.
The suite sports a large private teak balcony where we ate breakfast by day and sat sipping champagne at night.
We did manage to wrest ourselves from our suite to work out in the nicely equipped gym, take free Pilates and exercise classes, and swim in the 30 feet by 12 feet lap pool. We also got out to explore the ports of call.
For additional information call: 800-722-9055, fax in the U.S. to 954-522-4499, or visit the website at: www.silverseacruises.com
