Reading between the cruise lines

Getting The Truth out of Cruise Line Brochures

Cruise line brochures are intended to seduce potential passengers with wonderful, enticing buzzwords and copy. Sure some of it waxes true. But before you get too excited about finding nirvana, here are 10 of the most popular expressions and what they really mean:
1. Nautical speak: “Many small luxury ships like to boast,”We call at exotic ports where mega-liners fear to tread.” Translation: Okay you may find some big ships where we dock, but hey there are just not enough ports to go around so we sometimes do have to pull into a port along dozens of other ships.
2. Nautical speak: “All our staterooms are suites” Translation: Well it depends on the definition. Sure a suite normally means a bedroom and living room separated by a closing door but hey we have big cabins with a sitting room and even a curtain that divides it from the bedroom.
3. Nautical speak: “Our balcony spans 250 square feet.”
Translation: Boy are you picky. Okay so maybe it’s only 40-50 sq ft, but that makes the entire stateroom 200 square feet.”4. Nautical speak: “Gourmet food.”
Translation: Need we say more? If you’re talking landside gastronomy, forgetaboutit. But some ship’s alternative restaurants do come close, and small luxury liners even closer. However you probably will be disappointed in the regular dining rooms on the bigger guys.5. Nautical speak:
“Fare includes all meals, entertainment and shipboard activities.” Translation: Except when it doesn’t such as eating in alternative restaurants which can cost anywhere up to $40 per person for the privilege. Or certain exercise classes that are no longer free on some ships. Or soft drinks and water, the latter that sometimes costs a king’s ransom (we paid $7 plus tip for a bottle of Evian once). Even ice cream on some ships is extra. Currency exchanging machines have also become a profit center at $1.50 or more per transaction. 6. Nautical speak: “Gratuities are included in fare.”
Translation: If so specified, this is usually true. However some cruise lines speak through both sides of their mouths and add, “Unless you would like to reward a crew member for exceptional service.” Excuse me. Or when certain passengers feel the need to do so anyway and the crew snaps up the offering like a piranha. 7. Nautical speak: “Las Vegas or Broadway-style entertainment.”
Translation: Okay we want to believe this it’s not our fault that the talent often doesn’t have any. {In all fairness, some ships do stage lavish productions but for the most part keep your expectations realistic. Unless a big name entertainer is on the bill shows do not always live up to the brochure hype. But still most are diverting enough to keep the senior citizenry awake (well almost).8. Nautical speak: “Stateroom phones allow you to phone home and stay in touch.”Translation: While this is true, what the brochure doesn’t mention is the $10 a minute and up you’re charged for the privilege.9. Nautical Speak: “All staterooms are equipped with television access to CNN 24-hours a day.
Translation: True, on the rare occasions CNN actually comes in.
10. Nautical speak: “Our full-service spa offers all the latest in salubrious treatments and pampering.
Translation: True, there are shipboard spas and they do offer an extensive menu of therapies. What they don’t tell you is how much it costs (plenty!).
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